Become A Rock. Let No-one Hurt You.

BECOME A ROCK

Rather than directing all our energy into time consuming, waste of time efforts to change others, our time would be better spent developing patience with the way things are.

Our aim is for inner peace, and anything that takes that away from us is not worth our tears. Spend your time establishing stability inside you. Stability means standing firm against life’s storms instead of letting life blow you about like a feather. To achieve inner peace, blame must be let go of and life’s disappointments should be accepted as such. Without the strained emotion we attach to them.

Some people don’t understand justice or compromise. They haven’t got a clue what fairness means. You are not going to change them. The only thing you can do is let go of the hold they have over you.

Look inside now and think about what you are afraid of? Will your fear make it go away? Will the screaming fits make it go away? No. And your fear will only serve to paralyze you. It will creep into your head, your brain and body. It will make you lose sleep.

Stop allowing your thoughts to make you suffer. Let insults, stupidity and hard-heartedness bounce off you.  You cannot insist that anyone else changes but if you want it enough, you can transform yourself.

Transformation begins when you accept the things you cannot change but there is nothing ‘defeatist’ in that. It is only a rock that could take on this challenge so –

Become a rock.

Trying To Change Your Partner Spells Disaster

Trying to change your partner spells disaster because everyone at heart wants to be loved for who they are.

 ‘Can’t go out in that shirt with pink elephants’ she says to her man.

He loves that shirt with pink elephants otherwise he wouldn’t have bought it but here she is saying ‘it’s too pink, too loud, our friends will think you’ve gone mad’.

 So he gives in and puts on his pale blue shirt so there isn’t an argument whilst inwardly quietly seething at not being allowed to dress as he likes.

‘Can’t wear those red shoes’ he says to her ‘What will my boss think if he sees you in those? Wear your brown ones’.

She adores her new red shoes but to avoid an argument puts on the brown pair and feels like a frumpy housewife all night.

 Isn’t it a shame we want everyone to fit into boxes the size and shape of our box? Why should everyone should share our perspective and follow our lead like dogs on chains?

From today let’s practice the ‘art of letting go’ and give others the freedom to express themselves freely .

– Let’s say your partner proudly shows you his latest purchase. He’s bought a pair of striped trousers that seem hideous to you –  

He says ‘I know you probably don’t like them but the minute I saw them, I just had to have them.’

Without criticism, judgement or irony in your voice, what could you say not to burst his bubble?

 Perhaps….

‘Different indeed but if they make you happy, go ahead and wear them my love.’

PS  I’m sure you know that one of the main reasons relationships fail is that partners are so intent on trying to change each other, so let’s instead try embracing our differences with love and not force our tastes on anyone.

This is what happens when you force someone else to be other than who they are

The difference between ordinary and extra ordinary is taking your dreams to the finishing line

I am an ordinary woman

I don’t let that stop me having grand aims with peacock hues.

When my aims are met with scorn

I turn my face.

Let them slap the other cheek

I know before great aims sprout roots

Many falter. Many give up

Not I

I am an ordinary woman but my aims of peacock hues are not

They’re an extra-ordinary extension of my potential

So I hold onto my aspirations

And keep faith

Editors’ Picks of the Year: Notable Reads on WordPress.com

Where would we all be without WordPress?

WordPress.com Blog

Our editors dove into the archives to resurface top posts published on WordPress.com this year, from personal essays to comics, and photography to fiction. Here’s a glimpse of what you published — and what the community especially loved — in 2014.

“Ever Wished That Calvin and Hobbes Creator Bill Watterson Would Return to the Comics Page? Well, He Just Did,” Stephan Pastis, Pearls Before Swine

“Bill Watterson is the Bigfoot of cartooning,” writes comic artist Stephan Pastis of the legendary Calvin and Hobbes creator. This summer, Pastis collaborated — in secret — with Watterson. Their awesome idea: Watterson would silently step in and draw Pastis’ comic strip, Pearls Before Swine, for a few days, pretending to be a second grader. Pastis recounts the experience, offering a rare glimpse of Bigfoot.

Pearls Before Swine; Stephan Pastis; June 4, 2014.

“No Apology,” Mehreen Kasana

I will apologize for ISIS when every…

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CREATING UNSHAKABLE HAPPINESS

I always say if ‘you’re gonna be sad, try to find the happiness in it too’ x

2HelpfulGuys

Everyone wants to be happy.

Well, most people I’ve met want to be happy. I won’t say everyone because I am sure that there are certain people out there who want to be sad and hey, if they are happy being sad, then let them be sad… and be happy about it.
If you are happy to be sad, then are you sad or happy? My brain hurts.

For those of us who want to be happy, it can seem like an impossible goal at times.

Someone new comes into your life and you are ecstatic. You get a new car and you take any excuse to go for a ride because you love it. Maybe you even earned a promotion and everything is looking up in life!

But then that person ends up hurting you, that car costs more in insurance, and that promotion has a lot more work…

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Heterosexual couples still on the decline. Why do YOU think this is?

I have been a Tantra woman since the late 80’s – both as follower then teacher – and whilst I might be in the minority, couldn’t be happier the brakes have been pulled on hard porn. Some of the banned categories included in the new ruling are of course nonsense, but I cannot think of one law – or any school of thought come to that – that is without flaws.

At lease R18 category porn videos are still freely available and there is enough in their content to satisfy most tastes. However, my question here is whether the ‘over- watching’ of porn is having an adverse effect on male heterosexual lovers? (note: I said ‘over-watching’ and not watching)

An article in The Conservative Woman, states ‘the decline of heterosexual marital relationships continue to decline as more and more opt for same sex relationships’. According to the N2H2, there are 260 million porn sites worldwide and the statistics for who tune in are seemingly made up as follows. 2% of viewers are women and lesbian couples, 7% are gays/gay couples, 19% are heterosexual couples and 71% are heterosexual males. One such male who came to see me was deeply distressed because he could no longer make love to ‘live’ women without his penis going limp on him. He used porn three times a week to masturbate and said he did this because ‘women were so complex and took so much time to understand and please, porn was a readymade way of satisfying his sexual urges without the anxiety or need to feel he had to prove himself.’ (By teaching him Tantra techniques, he is now cured of his porn addiction – and the last I heard was in a sexually satisfying, loving relationship).

Gay guys in general don’t suffer the ‘limp penis’ fate because being of the same sex, have more confidence in giving a partner what he wants. They also (from what I hear) take a more liberal approach as to whether their sexual encounters will result in relationships so the need to prove themselves is minimized. As a gay friend of mine said the other day. ’Who has time to analyze the ‘ifs and buts’ of everything? We get straight into sex, see how that goes, then decide if we want to make something more of it.’  Might not work for everyone but anything that does away with complexity is fine by me.

Lesbians according to ‘The Tangential’, (and I cannot be certain of this so would welcome comments) ‘tend to meet each other in bars and if all goes well, kiss goodnight before parting ways.  If the chemistry is there, a short courting period follows in which lots of text messages are exchanged. The second date will be elaborate and well planned and after spending a minimum of twelve hours together, they often move onto having sex and consider themselves in a relationship.’  Fairly straightforward approach too if this is how it is – and again, less complex.

I am not saying gay/lesbian relationships are happier or easier than heterosexual relationships but at least they don’t make a big deal out of having sex or wait weeks or months as many heterosexual women do. There are exceptions of course. In fact I know loads of heterosexual women who throw themselves into sex with abandon if the chemistry is there – And if you dear reader have already found your authentic sexual self and have no issues in this regard, well done you because it took me a long time to count myself in your midst.

Due to my strict Greek-Cypriot upbringing, I admit to being a woman with complex ‘conditioned poisons’ running through my veins before I embraced Tantra.  Pre Tantra I couldn’t even ‘play with myself’ in front of man and was champion when it came to faking orgasms. Post Tantra, I knew how to take my fair share of the pie without embarrassment or insecurity and could openly share my sexual desires and fantasies

I am a huge fan of erotic role play, which lies at the heart of Tantra, but since it can be quite time consuming, isn’t something to be entertained on an everyday basis. On average my (mainly long term) relationships have included a Tantra lovemaking session about once a week and most men (whatever their sexual preferences), not only welcome this, they love it because in some ways Tantra can be likened to watching a porn movie. The difference is that we are the ‘in house doers’ as opposed to viewers watching a sex performance.. We take slow, delicious steps to awaken the senses, make love in every position using every orifice (cleanliness is the first rule of Tantra), we enjoy role play, acting out fantasy scenarios, giving sensuous massages. We are also trained in knowing every ‘hot spot’ on the body which is why Tantra it is often described as a multi orgasmic experience.  I know I am biased but I feel if more people embraced Tantra, many of the relationship problems we face today would be halved,

My suggestion – since Xmas is coming up – is for lovers everywhere, to give porn a miss and act out a fantasy scenario with their partner. (If you’d like some ideas, there are two on my website ‘The Mistress’ and ‘Roman Love Orgy’. The first is mind-based, the second is for those who want a Tantric heart-based sexual experience).

In the meantime, what I’d say to heterosexuals who feel confused about whether a ‘new possibility’ is the right match regarding what they’re looking for in a sex partner, is to glean the answers to your questions surrounding sex as early as you can. Be bold. Be done with complexity. Get it over with by the third date and you’ll know if you’re barking up the wrong tree. Sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship but great sex is the key to keeping a relationship strong and we are all entitled to have our sexual needs met.

I wish you a very Happy New Year and if you have thoughts on any of the above, would love to hear from you.

Stella Ralfini is the author of lovemaking manual Three Faces of Sex. She is a regular guest on radio stations in the UK, Ireland and Wales and just finished a Tantra

As same sex couples are on the rise, heterosexual couples are giving up.

documentary for Channel 5 which will be screened in the UK in April 2015.

Stella also writes under the name Jaylen Grace for her children’s book

As same sex couples are on the rise, heterosexual couples are giving up.

Despised. Ditched. Fired, made to look stupid by Daily Mail and I’m chuckling because…

I woke up with hope to a day full of promise. I had a blind date after work, The Daily Mail were due to feature one of my articles on Tantra, and the guy I worked for part time in publishing was going to let me know whether I’d be getting a pay rise.

I wore my favourite suit, cream suede high heels then left the house to discover I didn’t have my keys. Suddenly it started to rain, so I stood under a doorway waiting for my cousin to turn up with a spare set, cursing myself for not having an umbrella with me. Soaked through by the time she arrived, I ran inside, grabbed what I needed and ran for the train like a maniac.

When I opened my bag, the cherry yoghurt pot had exploded so I spent the journey cleaning it out. Arriving at Liverpool Street Station, I decided to buy a cappuccino.

A man in front of me was ordering at snail pace, as though he was dragging each word up from his bowels‘- And – a skinny latte – decaff – low fat caramel – extra cream – And’…..He searched the board looking for what else to add. By the time he’d decided on chocolate sprinkles, I wanted to kick him up the butt. I was still thinking about him when I got on the bus and leaned over to pick up a Metro someone had left behind.

The top of my coffee carton flipped off, at the precise moment the bus jolted, splurting the coffee into the lap of the woman opposite. Everyone’s shoes were splattered in froth including mine. All I could do was apologise profusely and offer to pay everyone’s dry cleaning bills.

‘My day seems to have got off on the wrong foot’ I said apologetically.

‘Should be more careful’ snapped a woman with coffee in her lap.

‘I was going to a job interview!’ the man next to me ranted.

Everyone had their legs in the air because the coffee was running down the middle of the bus. I got off feeling like a leper.

‘What a morning it’s been’ I said to my boss gesturing to my ruined outfit.

‘And unfortunately I’ve got bad news’ he said

‘I’m not getting a pay rise?’

‘I have to let you go’

I felt a mess and looked it, I’d lost my job and the idea of going on a blind date didn’t thrill, but he was apparently good looking, and had a great sense of humour so I decided to go to cheer myself up. Then Sue (the woman who set up the date) called.

‘He’s cancelled’

‘Why?’

‘He decided you’re too old’

I bought a copy of the Daily Mail hoping that would lighten my mood. The headline was ’67 year old OAP Tantra love guru recommends love potions for great sex’ I should have known they’d make me sound like an idiot!

On the way home I stopped at my local pub and ordered a glass of wine, chuckling to myself.

‘What’s tickled you? The barman laughed.

‘The universe’s sense of humour’ I said, holding up the scratch card I’d bought en-route. ‘I’ve just won a hundred pounds after the worst morning imaginable’

Jaylen Grace writes children’s books under this pseudonym. She writes under her real name for adult content books and is the author of lovemaking manual Three Faces of Sex   www.stellaralfini.com. She can be found on Facebook and Twitter @stellaralfini. Also at www.jaylengrace.com and on Twitter @jaylengrace

The Only Way To Love Is Kill The Ego

There are many ways to get closer to the heart but they all involve cutting out ego’s roots. If you don’t master the ego you can’t really say you know what it means to love.

 True loving means you’ve graduated to what is called the ‘space of understanding’. That space is high up the ladder of spiritual growth because it requires you to stay consciously aware of how the ego is bent on destruction.

Imagine what you’ll feel like when it isn’t important anymore to be right. When you can accept what someone is saying without getting upset. And instead of turning everything into a battle, can tune yourself into the ‘space of understanding’ and relax your mind as you listen.

 In every argument you will sometimes be right and sometimes wrong, and so will the other person arguing with you. However when two people become locked in a battle of the egos, this will never have a positive outcome.

If you can, stop before any damage is done by imagining a big STOP sign in front of your face – then ask yourself how important is it to be right? Who cares if you’re right and the other person’s thinking you’re wrong? Why is it so important? Why not choose love?

 Why not listen to what’s been said without taking it personally. Perhaps you are more self-centred than you think. Perhaps you do come across as sneaky or insecure. For another person to see these things in you, they must believe they are true. Why let your ego stop you saying ‘If you believe this about me, I guess somewhere you’re right’ instead of ‘well I think you’re a lazy slob, so there!’ If you can get to the place where criticism represents an opportunity to look at yourself, this leads you to the ‘space of understanding’.

 Once there, you’re no longer trying to change anyone. You’re much too busy working on yourself. Even when you know you’re right, you might say as much in a loving way, then drop it  – because who wants an ego that’s intent on destroying?

The other person’s thrown a shoe at the wall but in your new space of understanding you are just watching and listening. Trying to pick out ways they might be right. Trying to understand the other person’s point of view instead of making your viewpoint the all-important one.

When you reach this plateau, you will be able to share your feelings without snarling or snapping. You won’t feel the need to be right so will create no bad feeling. Understanding is what brings us closer to the heart and without understanding there’s no space for love to blossom.

 Jaylen Grace is also Stella Ralfini and the author of lovemaking manual Three Faces of Sex.  You can listen to her every Monday night on Irish radio show The Crackedi follow her Facebook page Stella Ralfini or on Twitter @stellaralfini @jaylengrace.

 

Another dating site scam – woman loses her savings

The stories I’ve heard about women who’ve joined dating sites to be ripped off, cheated and used are endless. An acquaintance of mine called Linda, ended up losing her savings because the con-man wooing her, convinced her she was the woman of his dreams. How she got sucked into the scam is another story – but people suffering with loneliness so want to be loved, they lose their ability to think, let alone think straight!

It transpires the No 1 word to win an older woman’s heart on dating sites is ‘widower’ – If the widower is handsome, sophisticated, has no kids (or one grown up child), owns both city and country homes, and earns a six figure salary, for most single women, having such a man would be like winning the lotto.

Linda is a cuddly, comfortable to be with, attractive, auntie type. I’m not saying you’ve got to be like Miss World for someone 20 years younger with George Clooney looks, a rippling torso and financial benefits to fall madly in love with your photograph; or feel so fired up by love, they spell out their whole life in the first message and tell you they want to share their life with you. This can happen. But it’s rare.

The ‘widower’ described above, was supposedly a colonel, fighting for a cause in some troubled part of the world. He was due to fly home (to the country Linda lived in) two months from then, and wanted Linda to build a life with him. To cut this story short, a week before our ‘Colonel’ was due to ‘come home’ the million pounds he was waiting to receive from a business venture (with which he would take Linda travelling, shopping and the rest) got suddenly tied up, and he temporarily needed twenty thousand pounds…I don’t think I need to tell you the rest of the story…

I find it all quite sad, but most dating sites couldn’t care less who they allow to take out ‘trial memberships,’ and since there are no rules in place to pick out conmen from the pile my advice is –tread very carefully.

 

Stella Ralfini is the author of lovemaking manual Three Faces of Sex       Stella Ralfini – Facebook and Linkedin. http://www.stellaralfini.com

 

Don’t give up – I nearly did but look at me now!!

I have been an international life coach for 30 years. One of my specialist areas is helping singles and couples with sex related issues  – and judging by the amount of grateful thank you letters I receive, I’d say I’m doing a fair job. Most who know me would say ‘now there’s a woman who’s found the meaning of happiness,’ and in general I’d say I do a fair job at that too. However, like everyone else, my life isn’t always a bed of roses and this year proved excruciatingly challenging on many levels.

Everything I touched turned to mud. Then I became famous overnight. There was no feeling of euphoria. I felt helpless. Everywhere I looked critical fingers wagged. I saw disdain in the eyes of those I loved. When you’ve lived your life as a tower of strength for others, it isn’t easy to reach out for help – especially when you sense so many are sniggering behind your back.

The reason for the sniggers was because of a home-made video I made about my unusual (semen mask) beauty secret. It went viral but fell into the hands of hundreds of thousands of low-minded guys who sent me pics of erect penises with smutty comments. Whilst in public I laughed it off, inside I cringed, and fell into depression. Why, when I was teaching what He wanted, was He allowing me to be ridiculed for my efforts to encourage people to talk more honestly about sex?

Reminding myself that God works in strange ways and that only those with the toughest skins succeed in changing anything of consequence, I asked God to tell me whether my off-key rise to fame was part of His plan and if I should laugh it off and keep going.  Not a whisper from God…

A couple of months ago, I was enjoying a short holiday in an area of Greece called Pozer. It’s near the Yugoslavian border– An area of magnificent, cascading waterfalls, running over white, sulpherised stones into pools of bubbling froth. Hot and cold thermal baths. Hot stone massage. The idea was to restore balance to mind, body and soul and wash away the memory of the foolishness of me imagining the world was ready to talk about semen masks!

I’d gone walking with a friend through a remote forest with running waterfalls. My feet took me to a rock at the edge of the water. I splashed myself with water, raised my arms and said ‘Father, I wouldn’t bother you but my wings have become too heavy to fly. Please give me a sign I’m on the right path.’

A few hours later, I was sitting in my hotel room, laptop on my knees, legs stretched out on the bed, when I heard a soft “Pfffft’

I looked towards the fireplace.  A baby bird had fallen down the chimney.  Its face, turned to the right, was pressed against the glass, its body, seemingly stuck to it.  I went over and opened the glass door. The baby bird was obviously in such great shock, it didn’t attempt to flap off. I placed it gently in the palm of my hand and took it out onto the balcony.  Then I called to my friend in the next room to come and take a look.

She peered at it anxiously. It’s sick. Its wing’s broken. It’s about to die.’

I said. ‘No, God wouldn’t send me a negative message like that. This little fellow represents how I feel.’

The tiny bird cowered in the palm of my hand, occasionally blinking.

In the sky a fully grown bird, circled above us crying out. ‘That might be your Mum,’ I said. ‘Chirp to tell her you’re alright.’

The baby said nothing. It shivered with fear in my hand.

‘I know how you feel Little Warrior but it’s time to find your courage.’ I set it down on the table. It didn’t move so I placed him in the palm again. ‘God,’ I said ‘Help us both to fly again.’

I gently set the baby down on the balcony railings, willing it to flap its wings. Little Warrior chirped and flew into the sky.  I looked gratefully up at the white clouds knowing everything would turn out fine

Shortly after this incident, I was offered a weekly guest slot on popular Irish radio show The Cracked i as relationships councilor and sexpert.  A UK media company signed me up. I’ve been featured in a number of worldwide newspapers and mags since then and I’m now in talks with a TV channel.

Last night, I was at a big party where the hosts had provided a palm reader for amusement. I’d never had my palm read so joined to queue to see what she’d say about mine.  ‘Never have I seen a palm like yours,’ she gasped. ‘The sky’s opening to give you everything you ever dreamed of. You have moved into the part of your life where everything you worked for comes together. Fear nothing.’

Was this God speaking through her I asked myself?  Who knows but right now I’m riding on cloud nine.

You can read more about Jaylen Grace and the books she writes under that name at jaylengrace.com. You can also follow her on Twitter  @jaylengrace.     You you will probably, however, hear much more about her in the press etc under her real name Stella Ralfini – stellaralfini.com   Stella Ralfini  Facebook and Linkedin   Twitter   @stellaralfini